Introduction
Emma created the site Evolving Your Man and she has taken the time to share her perspective on FLR, Chastity, And Pegging. While I have not officially ventured into male chastity on this blog, our post on orgasm control introduces the main idea behind chastity and so it begins.
For those looking for more real life perspectives on the female led lifestyle please check out Emma’s work on her site. She keeps it real and does a great job sharing her lifestyle.
The questions are by me, London (in bold), and the answers are by Emma and the pictures are from Emma’s great blog. Enjoy!
FLR
When did you come to realize that a FLR type of relationship suited you? And curiously how did you discover FLR?
I’ve heard about FLRs for years but never really put a name to it. Hell, my grandparents had a FLR but it wasn’t something that they put a name on. My grandmother was just a very strong willed woman and it was very clear to everyone, even us kids that she ran the household. To be clear though, I don’t consider my relationship to be a female led relationship, it is more of a female led partnership. We are equals however I feel like hormones and male driven sexual desire push that equality in the favor of men. An active sexual life which employs some female dominant implements such as orgasm control and pegging helps maintain that balance. We are most certainly a team and I don’t have my grandmother’s relationship.
How to start a female led relationship is a popular topic. Any thoughts of your own to share on this? For the woman, for the man?
For women, I think orgasm control is a great way to start, even for a woman with traditionally submissive tendencies the power dynamic changes within a few days as if by magic. For men, communication is key. Discuss what you want and more importantly why you want it. If your intentions are fetishy, she will see right through it and probably give you a level of disdain for the idea. If your intentions are altruistic and you REALLY want her happiness, she might just take you up on it. Find a blog that will show her what to expect and how easy it can be to get started. We know relationships are work and many women see this as simply more work that is being assigned to us… until we understand it.
FLR is not mainstream, you mentioned in a blog you have a group of ladies that you share this lifestyle with. Tell me about that?
I loved having a group of people to discuss this with but I no longer have that group. One moved away and I grew apart from the other during covid. I really miss being able to talk about these sorts of things. I do catch up with the one that moved away from time to time over zoom but it isn’t the same.
If someone has a partner who is not too open to this lifestyle, any advice you can give them? Are their certain ideas or strategies, or communication techniques that may open a woman to the idea of FLR, any for a man?
I think reading and understanding the benefits for the reluctant partner. If this seems like work, it will never be more than a fetish that you try once or twice. Learn about the benefits and take a scientific approach to integrating this into your lives.
For me it seems like FLR works on a mental and physical level. I have come to believe that men are built for arousal and women for orgasms, the combination of FLR brings this out and provides opportunities to explore as a couple. Any thoughts on why FLR works so well for many couples?
You really hit the nail on the head. Men are wired for arousal and once they’ve reached orgasm they lose interest. When he experiences arousal for days at a time, he enters a state of mental and hormonal bliss. When that orgasm hits, his body is wired to look for the next mate. That’s almost like how our bodies have evolved to create pms. Did you know that PMS is an evolutionary trait to break up couples that don’t produce any children? Our evolutionary history is long and fascinating, our bodies have evolved to do all sorts of neat things to help our species spread across the planet.
I think male sensitivity is often overlooked. Speaking from my own experience, a lot of raw emotion has surfaced in exploring FLR and the evolution of my journey. To be more clear, as a male even though I want FLR, pegging, etc. some negative emotions surface from time to time that I have had to work out, mostly insecurities about myself. Any experience with this both personally and what you have observed from a partner, any advice in general?
Our bodies have evolved to create fetishes out of things that could hurt us. I feel like the cuckold fetish is created by men who have have a fear of being cheated on. Men that are self conscious about a smaller size may have a SPH fetish. It is fascinating that our bodies fetishize the things that we fear the most. Insecurities make the best fetishes!
Pegging
You blog about pegging. Was this something that you initiated or your partner introduced to you? From your female perspective- what do you like about pegging? What do you think pegging brings to the relationship if people are willing to try it?
I love pegging! It is the first sexual experience that changed sex for me at its very core. There are sex positions where a female is dominant but pegging is completely and mind blowingly different. From my perspective, it was an incredible and unique way to experience sex. Going in to it, I wasn’t sure how I felt. Half way through I felt like I was doing something wrong. As we finished, I knew this was not going to be a one time thing. As I got more and more comfortable, it got better and better. We are now 50/50 pegging and piv sex. From a male perspective, he learned to experience an emotional side of sex by accepting me and trusting me. For both genders, it is an amazing and enlightening experience that fostered a level of communication and connection that I’ve never experienced in a relationship.
Male Chastity
Let’s talk about male chastity- you are huge proponent of this in a relationship. What does “looking the cock” do for you? What does it do for your partner?
Chastity is EASY. It doesn’t involve putting on a facade about being some dominatrix person that I am not. It also has the benefit of being a sexy and kinky game that you can share with your partner. Even if it doesn’t turn into a lifestyle, the allure of telling him that you are going to “lock him up” is a fun way to keep your relationship playful and exciting. The biggest key is to tease frequently and freely. If you tease him while he is locked, the effects are compounded. Truly amazing!
Any suggestions for a woman who wants to try this with her partner?
Approach it as a sexy game that you want to play with him. Make it a positive thing and not a negative thing. I personally really do like the way a locked cock looks, all nice and neatly tucked away. It probably doesn’t help that I am a bit OCD there. If the two of you enjoy it, talk about it and see where it takes you. If it doesn’t click for your relationship, stop and do something else.
Any suggestions for a man who wants to try this with his partner?
So many men buy a cock cage, give it to their wife and tell her to lock him up. Many women have never heard of a cock cage and has no idea what is being asked of her. If you want to see your woman’s best WTF expression, this is the best way! Talk about it together and purchase a cage together if you decide that you want to try it. Find a blog that explains the pros and cons from a woman’s perspective and the impact on the relationship. My blog is a great place but I don’t care if it is my blog, there are plenty out there. Just steer clear of the male dominated fetishy stuff.
Let’s talk length of lock-up. How long do you like to keep your man locked (denied orgasm) typically or is it just a varying schedule based on how you are feeling? Do you have minimum lengths of male chastity for your partner, do you prefer maximum lengths of time? Any recommendations for those who are starting out?
We typically lock up weekly although we skip weeks from time to time. Sometimes we do two weeks. We do unlock and have sex frequently but he goes back under lock and key when I am done or he gets too excited. We’ve tried going for a month and he got irritable and somewhat depressed so we don’t do that anymore. You will notice a change in behavior after about two days and the third day he will go from a grump to a model citizen.
With power comes responsibility- for the females who lock their men, it seems like set it and forget is not the way to go. Tell me about some of the things you do while your man is locked to get the benefits of male chastity for both you and your partner?
Teasing is the best part! The weird fantasy captions and erotic stories where women lock their guy up permanently are purely fantasy. When he is locked up, he gets more teasing and play than when he isn’t locked up. I’ve written a few really good blogs about all of the fun things we do.
Was their a mental adjustment period for you knowing you are having orgasms and your man is not? Any advice for women who may be struggling with this? What are things you do to pleasure your man while he is in male chastity?
There is a level of guilt that comes along with it, especially when you can see is face yearning for an orgasm. The power of simply saying “no. lock it back up” is oh-so-satisfying though especially when you both know that it benefits you both. I am not doing it to be mean, I am doing it to create an orgasm deficit between him and I.
Intimacy and Sex (answer only how you feel comfortable)- how much do you enjoy sex with your locked partner, how does it differ than PIV sex, any tips or practices you can give the readers who might try this?
We have sex frequently, a few times a week and he is harder and more aroused but also a more sensitive. When he is locked, we almost never FUCK because of the headspace that he is in it is always “making love”. I also thoroughly enjoy pegging while he is locked. When he is unlocked, he still touches and rubs his penis but when he is locked he forgets about his penis and accepts pleasure in other ways. It is very rare that we have sex where he isn’t locked because his penis is almost a distraction
If you could jump in and be the coach for a week to a woman who has “locked the cock” what things would you recommend she try or do that week? (Assume they are an experienced couple, not total newbies, open to things).
I think it is the most important. Communicate. I recommend that the two of them communicate about what they want and what they don’t want. Our society tells boys and men that they aren’t allowed to feel feelings or communicate and I think it is an absolute shame. Pegging and orgasm control are deeply emotional experiences and reverse this horrible travesty. As women we yearn for open communication about feelings and a wonderfully compassionate mate. Yet at the same time, we tell our boys that they shouldn’t cry or talk about feelings. Take the opportunity to bring your relationship to the next level. With deep love, you can open his heart and his mouth to a whole new level of relationship with you.
Tell me about the inspiration for the blog? Especially the title, “Evolving Your Man”. Is there any special meanings for you associated with the name of your blog?
I created a wordpress site because I wanted to talk to others who were into this lifestyle. I didn’t have any friends with any knowledge of chastity but I knew from my googling that lots of people were interested but only fetish sites and reddit existed. The site name was originally called evolving your man because I felt like this would be an evolution of my boyfriend, Kevin to help him to grow into who I wanted him to be. Turns out, that it has been an evolution for both of us but it has been a wonderful journey. Much of the evolution started with him and I’ve learned and grown as a woman. I eventually outgrew the wordpress site and learned how to make my own website which has been a fun learning experience as well!
Any books or sites you would like to share more about FLR, Pegging, Chastity, Etc. Any must reads for people getting into this lifestyle?
I really like FLR101 which was started by Yoga Girl but that site is now defunct. I think she deserves a tremendous amount of credit for taking my interest in this fascinating lifestyle to the next level. Most of her stuff is completely gone but I’ve still got a few of her blogs on my site.